Breakthrough
Jul. 1st, 2003 09:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sageandseaI've been thinking a lot today, after discussion with CJ, and this comment from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
alphaskye, about how I felt yesterday.
feel how you want. feel however you want. fell that way as much as you want. stop trying to adapt the extent of your feelings because of what anyone wants from you or what you think they expect from you.
You know what? I try not to talk about it much, because I'm real big on not being a victim of childhood, but I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I learned two things from that which I don't seem to be able to ditch:
1. I am the caretaker. I can, must, WILL fix your problem. Everything will be smooth and everyone will be happy and everyone will love me.
2. If anything ever suggests otherwise, I will feel worthless. And I will bottle up all emotions that suggest otherwise - no hurt, no fear, no anger, no pain. I'm not allowed to feel those, and god forbid I should ever express them, out loud, to another human being.
Maybe that's one reason I'm glad for LJ, but you know what? I really should be able to speak pain to my family, my friends, and accept that they won't hate me because of it.
I'm going to work on that.
alphaskye, about how I felt yesterday.feel how you want. feel however you want. fell that way as much as you want. stop trying to adapt the extent of your feelings because of what anyone wants from you or what you think they expect from you.
You know what? I try not to talk about it much, because I'm real big on not being a victim of childhood, but I grew up with an alcoholic mother. I learned two things from that which I don't seem to be able to ditch:
1. I am the caretaker. I can, must, WILL fix your problem. Everything will be smooth and everyone will be happy and everyone will love me.
2. If anything ever suggests otherwise, I will feel worthless. And I will bottle up all emotions that suggest otherwise - no hurt, no fear, no anger, no pain. I'm not allowed to feel those, and god forbid I should ever express them, out loud, to another human being.
Maybe that's one reason I'm glad for LJ, but you know what? I really should be able to speak pain to my family, my friends, and accept that they won't hate me because of it.
I'm going to work on that.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-07-01 09:37 pm (UTC)I am right there with you. It is odd to read my own mind on your page.
I have fought against, and am begining to win against number two.
These two faults, broken parts in me - more childhood crap that I work through as I can force myself to, have caused others great pain. Because that has been made clear to me enough times, with enough feeling behind the statement, I have managed to change somewhat. There is nothing worse that causing pain to someone you love because of your own weaknesses.
Good luck and strenght to you in your own path through this.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-01 10:33 pm (UTC)My rage comes through when I haven't eaten -- when my blood sugar is way too low. But it comes out full force without any control. I'm trying to work on that.
But yes, I understand where you're coming from, sister. Love and hugs.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-01 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-02 09:27 am (UTC)Hugs and sappy crap. :D